25.01.2022
Last week, I felt very drained (hence why this is showing up today instead of two days ago)
There has been a mental fog clouding my space for a while, and it suddenly started to feel like I really couldn’t see where I was going.
Last Tuesday, I officially graduated from The University of Lagos. As with all graduations, you start to feel a little retrospective, and you are overcome with this urge to ‘document’ your past. So many stories have been flying into my space, stories of people who have won awards in the last 6 years of school, gone on fellowships, got scholarships, so many amazing things.
What I feel is not insecurity. I could go down that lane, make a long list of every single thing I have done. Yet, somehow, the thought of doing that seems hollow.
I’m in a place right now where I can’t plan more than a day into the future. Revisiting the glorious past leaves a very dark shadow on my soul.
“If I truly did all that, if I am really so incredible, then how did I end up here?”
There are some moments in the day when I feel this heaviness in my chest, like I am being backed into a corner with no way out. Pressure.
Through all of that, I was reminded of a saying that I couldn’t get enough of last year.
If you can’t change a system, build a better one. Buckminster Fuller.
So that led me to the next question
“How do I build a better one? How do I make a fresh start?”
Naturally, I turned to YouTube to give me answers. Two videos later, I realized you don’t make a fresh start. I don’t think anybody really has that power. You allow a fresh start.
You get the fuck out of the way. You stop fighting the winds. You quit paddling against the tides. You don’t try to control it anymore. You just let it happen.
Because this is the best part. Think of the most magical thing that ever happened to you, and think of the darkest moment you ever had too. Those two probably have something in common.
It’s that you had almost nothing to do with it. It likely felt like it just fell together (or in the latter scenario, fell apart) despite your best efforts or lack thereof.
I believe that we live in a beautiful ecosystem of energy and life. By our very design, we are part of that system. If we can’t change the fabric of the world, the best we can do is carve out our own small bubble.
Cheers
Zully
Ps. Recommendation of the week
Here’s a nice little reminder if you’re also searching for some clarity this week.